I really am...
But I need to talk about 'In the night Garden' again.
Seriously.
This shit is disturbing me no end.
I know... I know...we've been here before but I need to break this shit down and het it out my head before it drives me insane.
Because Roman's not been feeling great I've had this shit on a loop for the past 24hrs now.
So much so that I don't even know where to start.
In fact fuck it, yes I do.
MAKKA FUCKING PAKKA.
What the fuck is his deal?!
Going around washing people's faces wether they want it or not?!
He pushes around that weird as fuck bike thing (Og-Pog) fuelling his fucking OCD by washing fucking everything.
He washes rocks for fuck sake.
Where are his friends?
Why are they not staging an intervention?!
Clearly Macca Pacca's compulsions are running fucking rampant or he has an Additional Support Need and should be monitored more closely.
And see that fucking trumpet of his.
His Uff-Uff..
If he had an asshole i'd lodge it up there sideways.
An Uff- Uff up the butt-butt.
Fucks sake, in this episode just now the narrator has actually just said...
'Now it's time for Macca Pacca to wash the great big HaaHoos'
Now where i'm from a Who Ha is a euphamism for a ladies non dangly bits so is a HaaHoo the same the same thing?!
Is Macca Pacca washing fannies?!
Great big vaginas?
As if he's not got enough issues he's a fucking pervert to boot.
What is going on in this garden?
Talking of perverts...
UPSY DAISY
This bitch needs Jesus.
Stoating about what is essentially Tellytubbie land with trees showing off her fanny to all and sundry.
She claims and boasts to be 'The only one'
The only what?!
Hooker?!
Has she murdered all her competition?!
Begs the question...
Are there dark undertones to In the Night Garden?
You fucking bet there is.
I reckon it's the fucking Ghetto and Upsy Daisy is the local prostitute.
I mean look where fucking Macca Pacca hides his special wee face washing bike...
Behind a fucking MASSIVE rock that he has to roll out the way to get it.
I half expect Jesus to come bounding out with an Easter Egg.
Must be a fucking rough area if he's forced to live in a cave and hide his Og-Pog behind a giant rock.
Pretty sure Iggle Piggle sleeps rough too.
But whose got a bed?!
That's right...
Fucking Upsy Daisy.
Paid for by her bits and pieces and her ability to turn tricks at the drop of a skirt.
As I said the other day she is also an attention seeking bint.
I watched an episode the other day called..
'Quiet please Tombliboos Upsy Daisy wants to sing'
Well so fucking what you serial flashing fuck nugget.
Piss off...
The Tombliboos were playing their piano and drum IN THEIR OWN FUCKING HOUSE and boot face McGhee comes along with her version of a fucking mega phone and sings AT their house then gets raging that she can't be heard because they're playing their music!!!!
What a fucking self entitled cow.
She actually got them out the house and chastised them until she got to sing interrupted.
What a fucking MOO she is.
Granted this may have been the worst 5 minutes of my life given that by playing the piano I mean the fucking Tombliboos just randomly hit keys on the piano loud as fuck for a solid 5 minutes while one of them, TomblibooEee I believe, just smashed a drum with a stick like a dyspraxic monkey.
Technically Upsy Daisy was doing me a favour but she then replaced the sounds of piano bashing with her own brand of 'singing' which sounded more like someone dragging a cat down a blackboard.
STOP SHOWING PEOPLE YOUR NAN BREAD YOU TART AND HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT!!!!
One episode said that Iggle Piggle wasn't allowed to sleep in Upsy Daisys bed because only she was allowed to sleep in her special bed.
So she's a fucking cock tease as well.
Hate her man...
But she's Roman's favourite.
Shit.
Oh and the TOMBLIBOO'S trousers randomly and frequently fall down too...
What is it with fucking flashing in this programme.
Buy a fucking belt you dirty bastards.
So...
IGGLE PIGGLE
For a main character he's hardly ever fucking in it.
When he is though he just marches straight up to Upsie Daisy and puts the lips on her.
Either he's a long suffering boyfriend or a very well paying customer.
I worry about his fragile mental state though as he just wanders about in a daze dragging his blanket/cape about behind him.
He reminds me of the guy up near me that shouts at cars.
He also falls over flat on his back should he ever be surprised.
This sounds like some sort of seizure to me and defo calls for an both an MEI and a CT scan.
I feel sorry for Iggle Piggle.
I think he used to be more than he is today. I think that's a super hero cape he drags about and he used to be a major mover and shaker in the superhero world but Upsy Daisys refusal to leave the world of prostitution broke him and dragged him down to the level he is at today.
Poor blue bastard.
There is a HUGE lack of compassion in this fucking Garden if both his and Makka Pakka's needs are not being addressed.
I'm not mad...
I'm just dissapointed.
Now...
The PONTIPINES
The wee mini red benefit fraud bastards.
Benefit fraud you say?!
AYE 100%.
Have you ever seen any of the fuckers go to work?!
No.
Are there ten of them in the one house?!
Yes.
100% at it man and playing the system.
I don't pay my taxes all year for these creepy bastards to stay at home all day doing what ever weird in-bred shit they get up to.
They all sleep in the same room!!!!
It's like a 6 bedroom house...
What the fuck else are they using the other rooms for?
Bet it's a Cannabis farm.
Scummy bastards.
Oh and the WOTINGERS...
I know...
WHO?!
They're the wee blue arseholes that live next door to the wee red arsehole Pontipines but you very rarely see them.
They're too busy out running drug errands for the Pontipines.
Look at Daddy Pontipine and tell me he's not some sort of Colombian drug Barron that's fled his homeland to set up operations in pastures new and is in 'disguise'..
Fucking Pablo Pontipine.
100% drug lord.
He even has his own fine dining section in the upper levels of Hitler's blimp...sorry the PINKY PONK.
The Campest airship ever.
He knows people man.
He knows people.
Should be called the Garden of Depravity.
Overall this programme is bat shit crazy with massively dark undertones if you ask me.
I often sit wondering wether or not I should be exposing my little baby boy to this type of wanton lunacy and deprivation but you know what...
He fucking LOVES it.
From the moment at the start where theres the high pitched sparkly 'Ting' and then that lovely womans singing voice he is hooked...
Oh...
Except in series three when they've COMPLETLY CHANGED THE FUCKING START and taken away Roman's fucking favourite bit!!!!
Now it just had some fade away flowers shit and jumps straight in to the episode.
Between that and a shorter ending these bastards are robbing me of at least 2 min 15 of peace each episode.
And with the amount of episodes I've watched over the last 24 hours that's about a fucking hours worth of calm and tranquility I have been denied.
Fuck you Andrew Davenport (guy that made it) and you're depraved, warped mind.
Big shout out for the TITTIFERS though, congrats on that one Andrew cause Roman LOVES them and their brightly coloured plumes...
But mainly Andy...
You've ruined my life.
You've ruined my mind.
Well...
Maybe I did some of that myself...
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!
I need to remind myself why I watch this fear inducing psycadelica and remmeber that it's all for the kids.
Here's the reason I watch...
Look at the tranquil concentration on that wee face.
He just loves it.
He'll sometimes turn around when he's seen something he likes and give a huge toothy grin and that, in a way, makes it all OK.
For those of you thinking maybe I have too much time on my hands and maybe, just maybe, an over active imagination I challenge you too look at this random list of episodes and tell me that you can't make something dirty or find something corrupt in each title...
Iggle Piggle's Mucky Patch?
For fucks sake.
Is that the episode where Iggle Piggle drinks to forget Upsy Daisys prostitution and what his life used to be like and ends up shitting the bed?
Or is this the one about wet dreams....
Either or man!
Ok...
So I'll give you Tombliboo's clean their teeth...
Not much wrong with that.
But Funny noise from the Pinky Ponk?!
Sounds like an episode on fanny farts.
Right...
I'm away, it's still early and there may still be some time to save some of my sanity today.
I'm away to watch proper adult programmes like Jeremy Kyle and Judge Rinder.
At least that shit is real.
All be it incentuous
But it's REAL.
REAL LIFE
YOU HEAR ME ANDREW DAVENPORT YOU SICK PERVERT!!!!
You get some some Jeremy Kyle realness into you, get some real life back into the old Davenport brain...
Wait...
What's this episode called?
'My Mum is my sister and she won't let me fondle my dog...'
Ahhhhh FUCK......
Never mind Andrew...
Never mind.
Good day friends.
X
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